I am the mother of four and grandmother of six and I can’t believe that we are already talking about electing another president.  It seems like the last time I was thinking about who to vote for, Nixon was still in diapers. 

My husband Paul likes to make a big deal about whom we choose to elect into office.  I always tell him that there are more important things to worry about, like:  why nobody refills the ice trays, why Angela Lansbury doesn’t seem to age, why there is no “I” in team (when the German word is spelled with one), and why Utah Lake continues to smell horrible and look polluted when Geneva is long gone.  He still says that one day the people in Utah will forget about the Heber Creeper incident and elect him governor.

The Heber Creeper incident was an unfortunate event that affected our family for years.  It is one of many experiences that I would like erased from my memory (if my husband ever perfects his current “memory erasing device,” which after 17 years is still in beta testing).

It was a chilly day for late October and yet our family decided to take a nice train ride on the Heber Creeper.  The kids were excited because they had never been on a train before and because Paul told them that if they were lucky, and if they wished hard enough, the train would actually fly.  I was a little perturbed after Paul outright lied to them, but eventually after much explaining, I was sort of able to convince myself that I saw where he was going with this.  I tried to figure out why Paul would come up with something so far fetched and the only thing I could think of was his watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang numerous times with the kids.

On the way up the canyon, the kids were excitedly telling each other where they wanted to fly.  I was beginning to get a little worried that the whole day might turn out to be a disappointment for us all.  Our oldest repeatedly told us that he was going to ask the engineer to fly us to the moon.  He then began asking Paul if he thought that the Heber Creeper could compete speed-wise with Neil Armstrong’s moon pod.  I chuckled a bit at the question, that is until Paul responded by saying that yes the Heber Creeper could in fact compete with the moon pod.  When I questioned his response, Paul said, “Diane, you’d be surprised at how fast our man-made locomotives can go.  Never underestimate the power of steam Diane…Never!”  The second time he said “Never,” he had one finger pointed towards my face and stared at me sternly in the eyes.  Just then, a raccoon darted out in front of us and Paul could do nothing to prevent hitting it with the car.  The younger kids were devastated and I felt sick to my stomach as I watched Paul use a screwdriver and an old flashlight from the trunk to clear most of it off of the road.

After the initial cleanup and the small prayer we said for the raccoon’s family, we finally made it to the train station.  Paul instantly began looking for the engineer while I took the kids to the bathroom.  When I came out, Paul was there laughing hysterically because he had found out that the engineer’s name was Casey Jenkins.  I didn’t understand why that was so funny, and Paul became a little irate over having to explain it.  He said, “Don’t you get it Diane?...Casey Junior, Casey Jenkins?...Don’t you see the irony?...C’mon Diane, you have about as much sense of humor as a screen door on a train!”  He then chuckled to himself and said, “Am I right Casey?”  But Casey had already boarded the train for pre-journey checks and we both stood there in the awkward silence our family has become so accustomed to.

When it was finally time to board the train, the kids were so excited they could hardly stand it.  Paul made sure that we all got a seat near the front of the train so that we could be the first ones to see our destination.  It was what he did next that absolutely ruined our outing (as well as all those on the train).  A few miles down the track as one of the Creeper employees was welcoming us, Paul stood up, pointed towards the back of the train and screamed, “THERE RIDES JESSE JAMES!!!…WE’RE GONNA BE ROBBED!!!”  A few of the older people seemed very worried, but the younger-looking passengers only struggled to see what Paul was pointing at.  I, of course, was embarrassed beyond belief and tried to decide if the track-rash from jumping from the train would be worse than awaiting the horror that surely lay ahead.

Just when I thought it couldn’t of gotten any worse, Paul blurted out, “Hold on kids!  We’re takin this train TO THE MOON!!!”  The kids were all smiles as was Paul as we gingerly glided along the tracks.  The all to familiar silence and stares began to burn holes in my ears and the back of my head.  Eventually. the only sounds heard were the steel wheels clicking rhythmically against the tracks.

Just then, something happened that never has happened in all my years of embarrassing outbursts and unexplainable behavior.  My silent prayer was answered.  A large water buffalo slowly made it’s way onto the tracks ahead of us and the engineer was forced to slam on the breaks.  The train squealed so loudly that I actually thought we were in danger of jumping the tracks.  Then, without warning, the train jumped off of the tracks and we all were violently flung forward.  When the train came to a stop in the dirt, Paul and I noticed that there were pieces of water buffalo all over the side of the first few cars.  When the kids asked what all the red chunks were, Paul trying to be gentle with his response told them that it was pieces of Jesse James and his horse “Tonto.”  He continued telling them that it was odd that Jesse would try and rob the train by running straight for it instead of attacking the train from the rear like he usually did.  Paul was then able to turn the horrible experience into a lesson about the consequences of stealing and playing near train tracks.  The kids were surprisingly happy that they were able to be there the day that Jesse James finally got his.

It took us an hour of walking along the tracks to get back to the parking lot.  While we were walking, Paul quietly told me that he was glad that we weren’t told to clean up the water buffalo carcass, because although he had his old flashlight with him, he had left the screwdriver in the car. 

Even though some of the passengers placed blame on Paul’s distracting outburst, the National Train Organization (NTO) blamed the accident solely on the animal.  However, some of the passengers were interviewed for the Tribune and most of them referenced Paul as the cause of the accident.  The Tribune wasn’t so much interested in the Heber Creeper accident as they were in the water buffalo sighting (as far as I understand, the only one discovered in North America to date).

Once we returned home, I asked Paul very sternly why he had caused such commotion on the train.  My anger decreased as he explained himself.  He said, “Diane, I was backed into a corner…after telling the kids that the train could fly, the only way I could think of to distract them from expecting this was to create a diversion.”  It was true, I hadn’t even thought about the train flying since he yelled that nonsense about Jesse James.  I realized then and there that although Paul sometimes seems out of control and irrational, his thoughts really are methodical and practically efficient…and that is why I love him.