Ink Stain

Paperboy's Harry Potter Emporium

10:24 PM, 5/10/2007 .. 0 comments .. Link

I'm a bit of a Harry Potter snob. And with movie #5 and book #7 coming out in two short months, I dove back into the previous books and movies to get all ready and stuff for the summer mayhem. Now, I know you're thinking "Paperboy is a mental. These are kids books." Yeah, well I still like getting toys at Christmas and watching cartoons.

Now read on for my character spoilers for book #7 aka "The Deathly Hallows" aka "Snape rules, Voldemort drools, Ron ain't got a clue-ls."

Key:
* Might as well be drinking Felix Felicis
** Don't do anything stupid and you'll be fine
*** Smell the roses while you can
**** Dead wizard walking!

Snape – This guy has to be the third most powerful wizard in the entire world/series behind Ol' Black Hand and His Snakeness. Potions, Dark Arts (he created his own hexes when he was a kid, for crying out loud), legilimens/occlumens, you name it, he can do it and better than pretty much everyone else. Oh, and he's not a baddy. You heard me, and I ain't gonna say it again. My guess is that Mssr. Snape is going to die in "Deathly Hallows," (because hey, they are deathly) but it'll be an impressive send off and probably at the hands of Marvolo's grandson. It'll be a shame because he's really the only one who tried to keep Potter in line at school and actually made him do his own work. Seriously, that kid deserved it almost every time he lost Gryffindor points.
Score: ****

Dumbledore – He's already worm food. Drop it already. I'm looking forward to finding out more about his bartender brother, though.
Score: I already said he's dead. Yeesh.

Harry – He lives. Hell, he's The Boy Who Lived. And here's how I know: He's going to be the Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Mr. Must-Not-Be-Named cursed the position and no one has ever held it for more than a year since then. But as shown in Order of the Phoenix, the Potter kid was a kick-butt DADA teacher for Dumbledore's Posse. Once A-Kid-Kicked-My-Arse-Five-Times is gone for good, the curse will be broken and said Kid will be Professor Potter.
Score: * (Yeah, I'm that confident.)

Tom Riddle – I'm still swirling this one around (it's got a velvety nose and earthy undertones) but I'm pretty sure no one really "kills" the Death Eaters' den mother. Needs-A-Haircut will surely dispose of all the horcruxes, but at that point we're going to see a shift in direction. Harry is alive because of love. Old-Dead-Guy-With-the-Bird said love sets Harry apart from Mr. Avada Kedavra. And if there's anything The Beatles have taught us, all you need is love. Do we really expect Mr. Ginny Weasley to actually "kill" Voldemort? No, J.K. Rowling has something else in mind. It might even be a lowering of his wand so Ralph Fiennes can fire away, only to finish himself off because of another rebound. "But," you say, "in book #4 Snake Face used Youngest-Seeker-in-a-Century's blood to come back, negating his mother's love thing." Yes, but now Love Child has the love of Really Dead Dumbledore protecting him, plus the whole freaking Wizarding World loves him. Gotta be worth one more Get Out of Avada Kedavra Free Card, right? It's a theory in progress anyway.
Score: ****

Hermione and Ronald – We can only hope that the eventually-to-be Mrs. Weasley rubs off on that box of rocks she fell in love with. Having reread the entire series in the past month, it's never been more clear that he's never been useful for anything other than blocking curses with his face. He never offers up anything useful, in fact he's been wrong 99 percent of the time. He not a particularly good wizard. He's lazy, only wants glory and hates his true friends for some portion of each book. Granted, he's a passable Quidditch keeper, but unless this kid finds some freaking religion in "Hallows" he may go down as my least favorite character.
Score: *

Hagrid and Grawp – I figured early on that it would be Ron who would rub out Lucius Malfoy, but he's proved inept at anything other than being wrong. ... But I digress. I think the Bash Brothers are going to rampage through the enemy army, squish a few nasties into jelly, including Malfoy Sr. who never deserved a better death, and then get it but good. I salute you in death, giants!
Score: ***

And all the rest: (no scores because yes, I'm that lazy)

Neville – It took almost six whole books, but he's ready to rock. But his new-found bravery may come at a price.

Malfoy – Turns out he really is just a wuss and not the budding baddy everyone figured he was. (Or that I wanted him to be.)

Fred and George – These two are bringing the Weasleys out of financial poverty. Plus, the comic relief never dies in books.

Tonks and Lupin – I wouldn't be surprised to see them die together. Oh sure, they were all kissy-kissy at the end of book #6 but one couple has to go down. Gotta be them.

Mad-Eye – A real bad-ass. I figure there's a better than average chance he's going to take down Bellatrix just before he gets Avada Kedavrad by some other Eater of the Death.

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So there it is, Round 1 anyway. I'll be revisiting the topic. Stay tuned.
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